Reverse Therapy for CFS/ME/FM

My experiences with Mickel Reverse Therapy.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Week 6 - Nearing the end of the road for MRT?

At my last session the concluding aim was to develop more fulfilling activities for myself whilst carrying on doing the activities in my life where my symptoms progress at a slower rate. As there is a background level of symptoms where no specific activity gives rise to a significant increase of symptoms there must be something in my life that needs 'sorting out'.

The trouble is, as I think I've said before, I really don't think there is that much to sort out. I'm a balanced, mentally healthy person, with friends, a partner, a roof over my head, a job (albeit part time and not terribly satisfying) and enough money to have the occasional luxury, like going away to visit a friend for the weekend.

I'm looking at what I can do about my lack of fervour for my job and career. When I cast my mind forward to an age old myself, lying on my death bed thinking of what I made of my life, I do agree with the theory that I would rather be doing something else with the majority of my life. So yes, I'm looking into a part time course for that alternative career. However its 16 hours a week and I'm really not sure if I can manage that on top of work. Perhaps it'll be the magic bullet and I'll start getting better and so I'll be able to do more, but it does seem like a large emotional risk and I don't beleive in magic bullets. The let down of having to give the course up because of my illness is a large deterrent. However, as my therapist says, its better to think less of your life in terms of what your health allows you to do and more in terms of what you would like to do. Easy to say, perhaps difficult to do, but I think I'll still give it a go. The fear is the loss of the money for a term or two and the emotional heartache of failure.

One positive thing that's happened over the last couple of weeks is that the rise of anger within me has subsided quite a lot. This correlates with me not keeping up my Reverse Therapy (RT) symptom diary as no specific activities were exacerbating my symptoms - all activities were! I believe that the extra 'analysis' of my life, my lack of ability to do the things I used to do was a cause for the anger. One could throw in other theories that the anger was rooted somewhere else, for example childhood 'stuff', and that the extra time spent on looking at my current unfortunate circumstances was a catalyst for the anger rather than a cause. However I've 'done' conventional (person centered) therapy and the conclusion was that the bad stuff that happened to me as a kid isn't really affecting me any more. Its more like a bad taste in the mouth rather than a blow to the head, if you'll pardon my poor analogy.

So, I fear that I may be coming to the end of the road with Mickel Reverse Therapy. The main theory about watching the symptoms and seeing what activities correspond to them doesn't seem to apply to me and I don't have that much scope for improving my life, or rather changing things that are not fulfilling. I have taken up the philosophy to do things only if I want to, and to try to be less of a 'yes' person, however the only thing that I think I can significantly do is the Open University course. That will for sure tell my body/true self I'm heading in the direction where by I'll be working in a role that I will find more fulfilling. However the course doesn't start 'till September and I have no idea how long I'll be able to keep the course up for.

After my last session I knew I had a few more long standing things to muse upon, like researching courses and taking a close look at my life and seeing what fulfilling activities I could concentrate on, so I delayed my next session for a month instead of a fortnight. So, when I next see the therapist in two weeks I'll talk about these worries and see what comes up. It may be my last session. If so, I'll still keep up with this blog, although the entries are likely to have more time between them.


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